Scanning the websites' home page, I had found my inspiration. Pages upon pages of amateur reviews of the 'hit' 1980's sitcom, 'My Two Dad's. What follows is some of the more interesting, bizarre, or just fucking stupid reviews. I also follow up each review with a short assessment of the person's review, with an occasional psychological diagnosis thrown in when necessary.
Read these reviews with the following rationale in mind:
Chronic Masturbators who write TV show reviews for rarely visited websites is to Ryan Seacrest plus 1
- as-
Chronic Masturbators who write 'My Two Dads' reviews for said futile website is to Brian Dunkleman minus two.
So without further ado, I present an almost unparallelled look into the world of Douche with...
100% REAL 'MY TWO DADS' AMATEUR SITCOM REVIEWS
by Joshua Arthur Knutson
"I can't believe all the bad comments about this show! My Two Dads was sublimely brilliant. It made Paul Reiser a TV superstar, made Greg Evigan, well, temporarily off welfare, and brought the beautiful and talented Staci Keanan into our homes every week for three wonderful years. It was like The Cosby Show on crack, with white people saying funny things instead of black people making funny faces. Ten times as funny as Family Ties! God bless My Two Dads, and praise USA Network, which has it on in reruns!"
(My response - I'm sorry but it is illegal to describe any product of network television as "sublimely brilliant", especially when that supposed sublime brilliance is derived from delusions of racial supremacy within the confused mind of the deviant self abuser.)
"The cool 80s hair was everywhere. Stacy Keenan was a hottie even then. You just knew she was going to be hot - kind of like Alyssa Milano on Who's the Boss? I think the networks put those little hotties on so guys will tune in to watch them evolve into babes."
(Someone ask this pedophile if that's what Miller Boyett was planning when casting the Olsen twins on Full House.)
"I thought this show was hilarious. Greg Evigan and Paul Reiser were both excellent in their roles. And Davy Jones' guest appearances as that rock star, "Malcolm...??" were great! I remember that song he sang to the girl, "Oh Nicole" or something. We taped it and watched it a gillion times just to lust over Davy Jones and his mullet haircut. He was my fantasy man in the the 80's. Whew baby!"
(Yes it's true, Fred Durst reviews old sitcoms in his spare time.)
"I enjoyed this show, but yes, there were a few things that didn't make sense. I can see the biological mother sleeping with both guys, and admittedly Greg Evigan has always been a stud, but why all of the sudden did the guys become monks and never sleep with anyone else? I mean that pull out bed that Joey had in the living room, yeah, like that was to conserve floor space."
(When people realized that nasal inflation of a rubber glove was no longer novel enough, Howie Mandel turned his biting observations on this website)
"There was a show where the mom came back, I think it was Emma Samms playing the character, and they tore up the paternity results. But come on, with Michael's neurotic personality, you know he would have called to get another copy. That whole downstairs cafe thing didn't work much for me, but I kinda liked the judge, the teenage girl really did need a female figure to bond to. I also liked Cory's (boyfriend #1) big brother. I always had the feeling Michael might have been a closet gay, and this situation was a good cover for a family in his work. All in all a funny show, with great eye candy in Greg Evigan."
(Yes this is exactly the kind of person who thinks they can write for TV. With brilliant insight and constructive criticism, this person has deduced that the show served as a brilliant overblown coverup of Paul Reiser's closet homosexuality. Genius.)
"What a premise! "Hey kid, your mom's dead....and she was a slut!!!" Great family entertainment. Really uplifting stuff"
(I got no criticism here, excellent review. I clicked the 'helpful' button.)
"To my thinking, the premise of this show was completely unbelievable. What self-respecting woman would have let either Paul Reiser or Greg Evigan impregnate her in the first place?"
('helpful')
"Greg Evigan AND Stacy Keenan! Aside from the no talent lost-Gibb brother that defines Evigan, should not little Stacy have a place at Teds right hand for slaughtering TV series. Granted, I don't think people recall her body count because the shows themselves were prime time sterile pap, but when a junkie gets murdered in an alley, it's still murder, no matter what you think of the victim."
(Charlie Sheen or someone who got sexually used by both Stacy Keanan and Greg Evigan, that's my guess. Oh, figured it out. Evigan and Keanan had sex with Charlie Sheen. Whew, that is a load off.)
Goodnight!
Joshua Arthur Knutson, Male, 28, Shitty Town, Iowa. Growing up in an area with no culture, Joshua Knutson, inspired by Mel Brooks' Life Stinks entertained himself by sleeping in a cardboard box for two months and pretending he was homeless at the age of 6. Started compulsive writing at 17, after becoming an over-enthused psychonaut. Now lives a mostly sober life and hopes to one day gain the clarity and perspective to finish one of the dozens of unfinished novels in his closet and also hopes to spread a wave of contagious intellect to the brainwashed masses. Joshua is a Pisces.
